Today I was brave. I didn't fight a wild beast or jump off an airplane. I didn't talk to someone new or even try squid. What I did do seemed infinitely harder.
For a good month now I have been struggling with food. Not all food, but dairy food. We are back on dairy until we can afford to not to be. Boy oh boy has it thrown me for a loop. I have not been able to wrap my brain around how to cook with dairy.
Yes, I know how to cook with dairy but that was when I was fat. Or fatter than my less fat now. My point is that I know how to cook with all that dairy being 40lbs heavier than I am now, but I don't know how to cook with it now and not gain all that back. It has taken me until just the last few days to get enough courage to buy more than milk and bread.
I know logically that taking the dairy out of our diet in January was not what caused me to loose all my weight. I have worked dang hard exercising and counting my calories but it sure helps when the things I ABSOLUTELY love are off the menu and I can't reach for them in weak moments. I have been all tangled up in knots about how to shop and cook and just plain live with it added back into my life.
My poor family has been living off cold cereal dinner for most of September and I finally decided that it was time to buck up and face the fact that I am being a coward. A coward for letting my life be ruled by food. A coward for letting the fear grow so big that I wasn't feeding my family healthy, good meals.
So today I shopped. Not like before. I bought one thing of sour cream, an 8oz package of cream cheese, some cream of mushroom soup and evaporated milk. I can cook. But I don't have to drown everything in so much sauce that you can't taste what you put in it to begin with.
Some days will be easier than others. Probably the one's at the end of the month when we are out of everything. Just saying. Either way I am going to figure it out and not be ruled by anything other than my God and myself.